when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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