Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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