i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
