2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
