Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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