I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
