I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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