you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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