today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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