Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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