My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
