Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
