Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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