my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
