My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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