There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
