Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
