There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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