those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
