I should be sponsored by Trojan
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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