I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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