Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Text me some of your sweat
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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