I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
