i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
