I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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