Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
