i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
