That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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