my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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