You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
