Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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