no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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