i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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