I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
