Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
