but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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