yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
