The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
