Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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