Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
