Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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