In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
