So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
