I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
