please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
