Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
