I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
