im having a threesome with these popsicles
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
