They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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