sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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