You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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