he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
