My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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