"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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