i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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