I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
