sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
